Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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