When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
