i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
