you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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