I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
