My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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