I think I just saw someone hide a body.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
