I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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