So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
