Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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