I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
