They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Did you pee in the oven last night??
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
