my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
