He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
