Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
