Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
