I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
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