fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
