HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Randomize
