I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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