you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
