i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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