Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
