I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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