every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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