We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
