I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
