She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
jump out the window naked night went bad
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
