spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
