ya dads aren't the best wingmen
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
