spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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