Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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