i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
