I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
