You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
