If i could tip my vagina, i would.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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