i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
