I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
