I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
