put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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