Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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