I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
