I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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