Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
