My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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