Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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