His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
