Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
