I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
