Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
there is glitter all over my balls
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
